Jeff Reads Genesis! Part 5: Sex!

I don’t think that most American Christians realize just how much sex there is in the Old Testament, and one of the best things about the New Living Translation is that it takes the obscure euphemism “know” and replaces it with “have sex with,” which brings home just how much is really going on. In light of how messed up a lot of these stories are, I find it extremely amusing that so many hold up the Old Testament as their standard of proper sexual behavior.

If there is one take home message in Genesis about sexuality, it is this: Nothing is more important that producing lots of children (especially sons), and you can do almost anyone you want to produce them…and I mean ANYONE, especially if they are relatives. A few of the stories driving home this point are worth relating, as well as a couple particularly funny sexual farces. This will be a two-parter.

Please be advised that this blog uses bad language for dramatic emphasis. However, if that offends you, you shouldn't be reading this anyway; read something to help improve your moral conduct, like the Bible. On second thought, read something else. Read "Marley and Me," or the Koran. I haven't read either, but they are both probably more popular.

ADAM AND EVE

Not much is said about Adam and Eve's sexual activity other than that the first mention of it is right after they are expelled from the Garden of Eden. However, the important thing is that they were the first, and therefore should be held in awe. Incidently, it is not specified that Adam did Eve doggy-syle; that is artistic liscence on the part of the Brick Testament.

ABRAHAM AND SARAH

As noted in a previous post, the Lord repeatedly visits Abraham and his descendants, promising them not only rule of the land of Canaan, but lots and lots of descendants (e.g. Gen 13:16, 22:17, 28:14, 35:11). Unfortunately, Abraham and his wife Sarai (later Sarah) are having trouble conceiving, so Sarai tells him to have sex with her slave, Hagar. Abraham does, and produces his first son, Ishmael (Gen 16). Sarah somehow gets credit.

A particularly funny episode is related in Gen 12. Araham and Sarah (then Abram and Sarai) have to leave Canaan due to a famine, and they go to Egypt. Sarai is apparently quite good looking, and Abram is concerned that he will be murdered by men coveting his wife. He therefore hatches a cunning plan: he will tell everyone that she is his sister instead of his wife. They get to Egypt, and sure enough, the Pharaoh is attracted to her and takes her into his household, paying off Abram with some livestock. In punishment, the Lord visits a plague on the Pharaoh’s household. The Pharoah summons Abram, who admits to the ruse. The Pharoah says “What the fuck is WRONG with you? Get the fuck out of here!” (I’m paraphrasing) and Abram and Sarai head back to Canaan.

The funniest thing about this story is that it happens AGAIN. In Gen 20, Abraham and Sarah move to Gerar, and again, Abraham is concerned about being murdered because of his beautiful wife and tells everyone that she is his sister. And again, the King of Gerar, Abimelech, takes Sarah into his household. The Lord visits him in a dream and tells him what a bad man he is, and the king again calls in Abraham, who again confesses, and is again asked exactly what the fuck is wrong with him. Abimelech pays off Abraham with a lot of silver, land, and livestock, so it actually turns out to be a pretty profitable con.

And guess what…yes, it happens yet AGAIN, this time with Abraham’s son Isaac (Gen 26:7-11). Isaac and his wife Rebekah move to Gerar to escape a famine, and Isaac again tells someone that Rebekah is his sister. However, this time things don’t go quite as far; Abimelech is looking out his window one day, sees Isaac “caressing” Rebekah, and realizes that she must be his wife. He calls Isaac in, what the fuck is wrong with you sir, etc…and Abimelech, probably twitching and wild-eyed with the memory of his prior traumatic experience with this family of lunatics, issues a public proclamation that anyone that touches Isaac or Rebekah will be put to death.

LOT AND HIS DAUGHTERS

The story of Lot and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (Gen 19) is often held up as an example of how much the Lord hates homosexuality, but when the story is told certain parts tend to get left out. Lot, Abraham’s nephew, is living in Sodom, a city of great and (at first) unspecified wickedness. He is visited by two angels (the same two who had lunch with the Lord and Abraham), who come to stay at his house. That night, the men of Sodom gather around the house and demand that the angels come out for gay sex (Gen 19:5). However, Lot is a deeply moral man and knows that this is wicked, so he proposes a more moral alternative (Gen 19:8):

“Look, I have two virgin daughters. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do with them as you wish. But please, leave these men alone, for they are my guests and under my protection.”

What a great father! However, the evil homosexuals of Sodom are too depraved to rape his daughters, and the angels have to blind them all. Then the angels tell Lot to take his family from the city, as the Lord is going to destroy it. Lot, his wife, and his daughters flee, and the Lord rains down “fire and burning sulpher” (Gen 19:24) not only on Sodom and Gomorrah, but all the cities and villages of the region except for the small town that Lot and his family escape too. Although they were instructed not to look back, Lot’s wife does so and is turned into a pillar of salt.

Here is where it gets good: the fiancées of Lot’s daughters refused to leave Sodom with Lot and his family, so Lot and his daughters are now all single and without male children. So Lot’s daughters hatch a cunning plan: get daddy drunk and have sex with him while he is in a stupor, which is what they do (Gen 19:30-35). Both are (happily?) impregnated with sons…and the Lord, although he had just killed thousands of people for sexual deviance, apparently did not have a problem with this.

Incidentally, the name of the son of the elder daughter is Moab, which is also the name of a small city in Utah.