Jeff Reads Genesis! Part 2: Genesis Synopsis

There are a lot of interesting themes and amusing stories in Genesis, but I’ll only focus on a couple. First though, a summary. For the most part, I'll be referring to the deity discussed in the Old Testament as "the Lord" rather than just "God," for reasons I'll explain later.

Genesis starts, of course with the creation story (Gen 1-2), and the expulsion of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden (Gen 3), where Eve is cursed with childbirth and being a second-class citizen for trying to make her and her man less ignorant. We then follow the descendants of Adam. After Cain murders Abel, Genesis lists about six generations of his descendants (Gen 4:17-24), but then we jump over the Adam and Eve’s third son Seth (Gen 5) and follow his line for the rest of Genesis. We don't learn a whole hell of a low about any of them except for five: Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph.

By the time of Noah, Seth’s eighth descendant, everybody on Earth except Noah is totally evil and in a fit of depression, the Lord decides to destroy the Earth (Gen 6-8). A few interesting points: if you the math based on the measurements given (Gen 6:14-18), the ark held about 1,500,000 square feet, and with three decks, this translates to each deck being 15 feet high and having about 500,00 square feet. The sauropods must have been a little cramped. Also, contrary to common belief, the flood did not last forty days and nights; this was just how long it took the flood waters to rise. The flood itself lasted for five months until the waters began to drain, which took about another five months, so Noah et al. were actually trapped in the ark for almost an entire year (Gen 7-8).

The only specific rules laid down by the Lord in Genesis are presented after the Flood (Gen 9:4-7); that blood must be drained from meat, and that any animal or human that kills a human being must be killed by human hands.

Noah curses the son of his son Ham over his body issues (Gen 9:4-7), and the descendants of Ham are doomed to serve those of his brother, Shem and Japheth. From this point on, we mainly follow the descendants of Shem (incidently, by an amazing coincidence Ham is the ancestor of the Babylonians, who happen to have destoyed Jerusalem and were keeping the Hebrews as slaves about the time these stories were being written down). The Towel of Babel story explaining where all the world’s languages come from is in Gen 11.

Abram (later Abraham) is one of a descendant of Shem, and Genesis spends a fair amount of time focusing on him (Gen 12-23). Abraham is important because it is with him that the Lord forms a covenant, promising him a innumerable descendants and eventual rule of the land of Canaan. The Lord affirms and reaffirms this covenant over and over again, not only with Abraham but with his son Isaac, grandson Jacob, and great-grandson Joseph. As a symbol of the covenant, the Lord tells Abraham to cut off his foreskin, and to make sure that all the men in his family (including the servants and slaves) do the same (Gen 17). This leads to a funny scenario where Abraham gathers his first son Ishmael and all his servants and slaves, tells them about this, and proceeds to circumcise the lot (Gen 17:23). I wish I could have been a fly on that wall, just to see the reactions. "What I'm going to do now may seem a little unusual..."

The story of Lot (Abraham’s nephew) and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah is covered in Gen 18-19. This story is worth revisiting later.

We spend some time with Isaac, Abraham’s legitimate heir, although his story isn’t that interesting (Gen 21-26). Isaac has two sons: Esau, who is a Sasquatch and not very bright, and Jacob, who is a prick. Jacob royally screws over Esau (Gen 25:27-34, Gen 27). However, although the Lord reaffirms his covenant with Jacob (Gen 28), Jacob does not get off easily. Gen 29-31, telling of Jacob’s marriages and time serving his father-in-law Laban, is one of the funnier parts of Genesis (I’ll spend some time on it later). The Lord eventually gives Jacob the name “Israel” after they have a wrestling match where the Lord takes Jacob’s leg out “Karate Kid” style so he won’t lose.

Jacob has a bunch of sons by his wives and concubines, but his favorite is Joseph, he of the colorful coat. Joseph’s story is pretty interesting, and takes up the last part of Genesis (Gen: 37-50). Joseph pisses off his brothers by telling them about a dream he has that foretells them serving him, and they sell him into slavery, telling their father that he was eaten by a wild animal. Joseph ends up in Egypt, where he displays both charisma and administrative talent, and through a complicated series of events ends up as the Pharaoh’s second-hand man, and the most powerful man in Egypt. Joseph begins to stockpile a huge surplus of grain because of a dream the Pharaoh has foretelling a famine, which hits the region after seven years. The famine hits Canaan as well, and Jacob sends his other sons to Egypt to buy grain. They don’t recognize Joseph, and he naturally takes the opportunity to fuck with them a bit. However, ultimately he fesses up to who he is and persuades Jacob, his brothers, and their entire family to move to Egypt so that he can look after them. They all live happily ever after...although things don't go so well for the Hebrews in Egypt down the road.

LNJ